I hold these truths to be self-evident: - donating bone marrow for money is not akin to prostitution - writing 400-word articles for faceless online literature hacks is preferrable to waiting tables for yet another summer - having the ability to sell useless social accessories to people in states of emotional vulnerability does not mean that you ought to be allowed to do so - I do, with the power of the Internet, have the ability to rally people from around the globe in support of...